I'll write whatever the hell I want – So There!

OK, so today has been good. I’ve had a big headache, but I have eaten OK, my laundry is done, I have done my tax (YAY for etax!) and been to the nursery and bought a few plants for my front yard. This is good, I am Getting Things Done

Now to make dinner, lunch for tomorrow and lay out the week’s clothes, and then I can start sewing on K’s birthday pressie. Yes, I am making him a pressie even though we have split. Hey, he got me one, and we’re still friends. What can I do?

There are ups and downs in life, today I am down. I have a hundred things to do and no motivation to do any of them. K comes back from holiday today, i am absolved of dog-sitting duties, I have enjoyed it, but I am burnt out. I just failed in my smoke-quitting resolution, and I feel fat.

I will try to turn it around tonight, just as soon as I finish watching another couple of episodes of glee.

Now I have to quit smoking – AGAIN

I remember it takes 3 weeks to get it all out of your system.

There is no actual pain in a craving
Cravings do pass – you can wait them out.
Keep a positive mind – thank god I don’t have to do that anymore!
Each craving is a step closer to being free

I did this with allen carr before and it was easy – can’t believe I let myself fall back into the trap!

Last couple of days, I have been smoking and K’s dog (who I am loking after) clearly hates it when I do. Last night she actually dug over the spot where I have been sticking my butts to throw out later – I think she could smell them and wanted to bury them! So I had to dig them all out to throw them away.

Anyhow, No more smoking for me – it is ridiculous to be smoking after so long free anyway!

There is a time for everything, and while I am not feeling a great despair or loss, I accept that for a little while now I will feel sad.

And so, with my pint of caramel-honey-macadamia icecream and my recently-rediscovered cigarettes firmly in my grasp, I am settling in for my own personal season of sadness, in full knowledge that it will pass, and a lot sooner than you might think.

(On the cigarette issue – taking it up again after three years may be the dumbest thing I have ever done, and I am kind of regretting it already)

Yesterday and today I didn’t feel too sad. In fact, I’ve been wondering why I’m not MORE sad. I guess because I did all my grieving earlier, When the shit first hit the fan.

This afternoon I gave him a call, to wish him well on his trip (he’s leaving tonight) and to assure him that the Dog would be fine in my care.

He didn’t sound very miserable at all. Dammit. Why not? Is a little bit of misery too much to expect? Must admit, it gave me a little twinge.

After my lovely birthday evening with K, I thought we were getting back on track. Things seemed to be going well, and I figured once we were feeling a bit more secure we’d have a discussion and sort things out. I later discovered that that’s exactly what he was thinking too.

It wasn’t to be.

Gentle readers, I read his emails. I’m not proud of it, but hey, when a guy stops communicating with you, it’s easy to start getting a bit desperate for any kind of idea about what he’s thinking.

And there it was. A particularly cold, short sentence, regarding future travel plans and the need to ‘extricate’ himself from ‘the girlfriend’ first. I was devastated. All my hopes of him changing his mind, of reasonable discussions, of us working together to find a solution or compromise, were gone.

So I behaved like a sullen child until he asked why, then confronted him with it. To his credit he didn’t dwell too much on the whole email privacy issue.

We had a long, tearful talk. Followed by a long reasonable one, where we actually explored what it would be like to have a family, and examined his reasons for not wanting one. A lot of those reasons are pretty screwed up.

The next morning, we were all talked out. We agreed to end it, and discussed how much contact we wanted to have. We both agreed that neither of us had done anything wrong, that the relationship was good, but just wouldn’t work right now.

It was really sad. We hugged for a long time, and we went onto facebook together to change our relationship statuses. I know that sounds juvenile, but it was a little ceremony that I think helped us to accept it was over.  driving away from him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I’ll still be looking after his dog for a couple of weeks while he’s away. That may be a mistake, but I’d hate to think of her being in a kennel. And it gives me a chance to say goodbye to her too.

Today I am seriously considering getting my own dog. I figure I’ll also go back to dance classes.  But I am not really in a big depressed state. I think I did all my greiving over the last couple of weeks.

My last shred of hope is that he has promised to get some counselling, to discuss his reasons behind not wanting kids. I have some hope that he will sort his issues and come back to me. When he realises that he has lost me, it may be enough to change his mind. But I can’t wait for that, I have to move on now, even though it hurts.

Game Over.

Start New Game?

Last night K cooked for me – my favourite lamb shanks in the slow cooker, followed by a sweet little dessert that he cam up with himself – strawberries dipped in chocolate. Very romantic!

I feel calm and my head is clear – I do not want to leave WA and I do not want to cut out the possibility of children in my life. More than that, I deserve a relationship with someone who is not afraid to BE in the relationship 100% and to tell me he loves me.

I feel sad for him that he will lose me and be on his own. I love him and I feel staying together would be good for both of us. But I a resigned to ending it very soon if I do not get what I need from him. I would be sad, but I have done most of my grieving already and I know that I would cope.

The slow creep of weight gain… The I’ll start tomorrow promises… the one more won’t hurt….. the I deserve it excuses.

They all stop now. I am 33 today. I will not be over weight at 34.

I can’t control if he loves me, I can only control my own behaviour. I can’t control what he wants, what he thinks.

But I can control THIS. I would rather be unhappy and thin than unhappy and fat. Of course, I’d rather be happy, but being fat never made me happy.

This year my birthday promises to pass with very little fanfare. Which is expected – your 33rd is not a ‘big’ birthday. I’m pretty happy with this. I generally find birthdays to be more trouble than they’re worth, from my disastrous 18th onwards.

But this year’s birthday finds me a bit reflective and more than a little sad. I’ve acheived a lot in 33 years, but they are other things I haven’t, and those things, well, they have a deadline. I’m sure if you’ve read any of my preceeding posts you know what I’m talking about.

We all know that the kind of desperation shown by girls in my situation often prevents them finding the one thing they want. And on a birthday it can hit home pretty hard.

So, how to get through the birthday? For me, The celebrations span three nights. A movie night with the girls, a dinner with the parents, and a night with the boyfriend. By keeping each event small I can pretend it’s just a normal night, because hey, it is! And by keeping busy and seeing everyone, I can remember the important things, that I have a great support network of loving people, even if I am getting old and haggard.

The combination of supportive friends and family and low-key events helps me sail through birthdays and appreciate what I do have, without undue reflection on what I don’t have.

Working on permanent life-satisfaction? That can wait for another day.

After an angsty Friday and Saturday wondering if I should call, or if he’d call (and assuming he was in a similarly turbulent state of mind and therefore avoiding me) he called! And we spent Saturday night together.

Not just as it was, there is still some restraint between us, but really quite like a normal Saturday night together.

I predict that this can’t last, and the reason it can’t last is me. I need resolution, I need to know he loves me, and I need an agreement on what our future holds. But I am prepare to wait and let our relationship get back to ‘comfortable’ before I address those problems.

And in the meantime, I can put the angst on hold and turn my thoughts to something more productive.